Today I attended a personal training in-service for my job. With a boxing themed twist, we were put through our paces by Title Boxing Oviedo, which was the most amazingly invigorating workout. My two kids will have to be content with not being picked up for the next couple of days, in fact, I may have to teach the oldest to make a cup of tea. However, the whole two-and-a-half-hour experience brought up a plethora of emotions that I struggled to contain post-meeting and I sped back to my car to attend a little pity party of bawling my eyes out for ten pathetic minutes. All week, I’ve been working on trying to project my thoughts and feelings of dealing with my perception of failure. It was perhaps ironic that this event happened today and finally activated a platform that made my feelings seem that much clearer.
I pulled myself to pieces throughout that entire meeting. All of a sudden I didn’t have any confidence in my beliefs as a trainer and have been slowly getting drawn into this rather regimented theory of very simple training that involves basic lifting and resistance work, which is not at all the way I train people unless it is relevant to client goals and it has definitely left me perplexed and uncomfortable. I work with some incredibly smart young adults who know so many technicalities about training that it is easy to get very intimidated by their seemingly sponge-like brains retaining all this nitty gritty knowledge. I will never retain the knowledge like some of them do, but I know people and know how to push people, help people reach their goals, motivate people and I am confident in the processes required in helping people reach whatever their physical goals are. I am good at building rapport with individuals, I can inspire confidence in my training, despite not having a great deal of confidence in myself. That is not to say I will not learn a lot from my young co-workers because I have already learned a lot from them and I am impressed by their knowledge and drive.
Why do I feel so useless then? Probably because I had a bad day, stopped believing in myself and got so fearful in what I was doing that I pissed all over my own fire and let it burn out. It all comes down to confidence in myself and fear of failure.
FEAR OF FAILURE!!!!
It riddles me as part of the anxiety, but it is as debilitating as it is counterproductive and having fallen apart at the seams over the last couple of years I now fear every decision I make and every little thing that I do or say. I hold myself to such high standards on everything nowadays because I have two children to raise and a future to build for us, but it breeds this worry about every consequence of every little action. Sometimes I just say a sentence or two that I regret and rather than just shrugging it off, I beat myself up about it. Therefore, even the smallest mistakes now pull me to pieces. The fact that I underperformed in a meeting, I didn’t get my point across (oh look, Kim is waffling again), I got drawn into disagreeing with someone on a time sensitive project that then didn’t get finished and I just underperformed in entirety. However, did I really, or am I being too hard on myself? Not every day is going to be my best performance, that’s something that I have to accept, but what I am now trying to tell myself is that I need to learn from these experiences and take that forward to help improve the next day and then then next. In addition, I need to stop wasting my time on being too hard on myself in situations where I actually learned a lot of valuable information. Most importantly, it’s bought me back to the reality that the way I train is not wrong. I will always learn things to make it better and evolving constantly in a changing industry is essential, but I must stay true to what I believe in and what client goals are when setting up training. It’s right for my individual style and I shouldn’t be pulled into styles of training that aren’t going to suit me or help me bring the best out in people and what they want to achieve. That mentality needs to start flowing through everything I do in life so that I can start being successful and accepting failure rather than fearing it (just a small snippet of what I learnt today). That advice needs to translate to me as a mother as I constantly feel like I’m failing at motherhood and it’s exhausting, but that’s probably a whole blog for another day. So like a phoenix rising from the ashes, I’m actively reigniting that fire and moving forward with the positives that I’ve learned and am using this day as a learning experience in trying not to let self-deprecation debilitate my progress going forward and I must believe in myself and what I can do.